jr conlin's ink stained banana

i've been asked to put together some advice for folks who want to start a blog. Mind you, the last bit of advice i had on the matter was of a completely different nature, but hey, who am i to turn down writing even more?

So i wrote up the following, but then i'm curious what you all think of it. (Yes, Jeremy, it's another "How To Blog" post, but like any good zombie, it's tough to keep a particular meme buried for long.)

Nothing dies on the Internet.

Now normally, i usually say something like "Use common sense" but let's face it, if that were the case people wouldn't actually send in their $20 for "ch33p h4erbal \/iagr4!!1!" or keep listening to that annoying guy on the radio. Fact is, "common sense" usually isn't. Think of this as advice from someone who's discovered that maybe tying bricks to your feet and running fast isn't the best way to find land mines.

1. Think before you post.
i'm a cranky blogger. Blogs are a great way to blow off steam because they're like standing in the middle of a field and screaming obscenities about your third grade math teacher. The problem is that unlike that frantic field fit, it's quite possible for your third grade math teacher to find your fevered frenzy. Even several years after you wrote it. Even if you've since deleted it from your site because you realized it was your fourth grade math teacher, and not the third grade one who was best friends with your mother. Your blog, much like your resume, is a public statement that will haunt you. In some cases, like extras from a George Romero film. Before you go nuts, think about how someone else will react to reading this and knowing nothing about you. (Hey, folks have wound up on my blog doing searches for "singing cucumber sandwiches" and "pictures of pixies with meat cleavers", i guarantee they'll show up on yours for even weirder stuff you've never written about either.) Also realize that there are lots of caching, archiving and other "make less temporal" things out there that are more than happy to render your post saved for eternity. Presume that once it's published, it's written in stone in the middle of Times Square.

Some blogging software packages give you the option to publish into the future. i regularly schedule posts hours or even days in advance to give myself a "cooling off" period. i'd recommend you consider doing the same at first, just to save yourself a few "GOOD GOD! WHY DID i WRITE THAT!?" moments.

2. Write for yourself.
Ok, that's probably a bit odd to think about, particularly after how i just told you that anyone and everyone can read your blog (and usually react poorly to it), but don't expect hordes of folks to fawn over every word. Blogging is not a golden path to riches and rewards. If you're lucky, you may wind up with 10 regular readers. If you're very lucky, one won't be a troll looking for Japanese kitty porn (which seems to involve calicos and some weird octopus like monster… perhaps i've said too much).

3. Write clearly.
u r not teh idiot0rs, so don't write like one. Write the way you speak. In fact, i'd recommend reading your work out loud afterwards. That way, you'll know a run on sentence when you hear one. If you're not sure, it's the one where you've run out of air and start making that wheezy "hurk-hurk" sound.

4. Be interesting or be regular.
Preferably, be both, but that's often more work than fun. One way to garner an audience is to write things that folks want to read. Oh sure, cat stories and describing your preferences for various flavors of bottled water might get a few folks checking in, but probably won't get you a sidebar on Boing Boing. (Fark, maybe, but it's not going to be the kind of attention you want.) Post when you've got something worth talking about. Maybe it's some new toy you've gotten. Maybe it's something interesting you've learned. Maybe it's your Aunt Tillie's nocturnal reactions to bean and bratwurst night. Ok, maybe not the last one.

5. Context is King.
One of the better known facts about blogs is that they're filters on the Internet. They show the bits of current hub-bub that are interesting to you. You can also build webs of content by reading other blogs and pointing to articles or sites you find interesting. This meta-web can be incredibly valuable by highlighting noteworthy sites. It's a trick that spammers have absolutely mastered.

Still, for this to work right, it's always a good idea to provide some context for whatever it is that you're pointing at. Give yourself and your readers a reason to go there. It could be a summary, or a snippet of the site. Some teaser that tells folks why it's worth going. Just avoid "me too", since that's about as much context as a post-it you find on the bottom of your shoe.

6. Have fun.
Ultimately, blog because you enjoy it. There's nothing wrong with trying it, finding it boring and dropping off. There's nothing wrong with trying it, loving it, and continuing to do it for years. There are lots of both types of folks.

So enjoy, and don't forget to send me your URL. i'd love to know what your thinking.

Good Lord, folks are asking me for advice about blogging. That still strikes me like asking Emperor Norton for bridge building advice. i mean, c'mon. i'm a "used slurpee cup" level blogger at best. i'm so far down the "long tail" that nerve endings stopped a few meters back. Hell, who am i kidding? i got scrapped off the "long tail" and am currently stuck to the "large rock now covered in poop"