jr conlin's ink stained banana

Regular readers? You're excused.

Dear Concerned Parents,
By now, you're probably all very happy that the various large chain stores have removed the threat that was GTA: San Andreas thus saving you the fear that little Billy might download a patch from Norway, and succeed in killing enough bystanders, commiting enough carjackings, and otherwise engaging in enough simulated crime to get a chance to see a poorly rendered pornographic mini-game.

Surely, the world is a much safer place.

i'd also like to point out that you're obviously failing as parents.

No, you are. You're abject failures.

Why am i being so harsh?

Because you're letting little Billy play a game called Grand Theft Auto. Nevermind the confusing "Rated M for Mature Content ESRB" label affixed to the cover (can't miss it, it's on the panel with the stylish image of a drive-by shooting). No, you fail because you're letting the innocent pool of your combined DNA play a game with a freaking felony in it's name.

Seriously. What the hell did you THINK this game was? It's not "Fluffles the Bunny's Happytime Train Adventures". Would you let your kid play something called "First Degree Homicide: Muncie" or "Federal Tax Evasion:Sheboygan"? No, i'm guessing you probably wouldn't. Actually, i take that back. You probably would but would have an absolute conniption if that broken condom of a child brought home "Flag Burning:Cape Hatteras".

Since you're blissfully ignorant of the blindingly obvious, please allow me to provide you some additional tidbits of information:

• The title of the rap group N.W.A. does not mean "Nice White Americans"
• Billy's addiction to crack does not mean he really enjoys carmel covered popcorn and peanuts with a delightful toy surprise inside.
• Little Suzy's shorts were not a factory irregular due to a printing mistake. She wants boys to look at her ass.
• When Suzy is angry, she's not asking you to bake anything. (And yes, those are kitty ears. Have her spayed.)

And as long as i'm handing out bits of blindingly obvious advice, i'll throw in the following:

• Live light sockets do not really taste like candy.
• "For Internal Use Only" does not mean you can drink Draino while standing in the backyard.
• The TSA enjoys a good test from time to time, just to make sure they're on the ball, so feel free to stick a BB gun in your luggage next time you're going through the check-in counter. (It's a toy, it's not like it's a REAL gun. They'll just laugh and let you go through.)

Ok, ok, one of the last three isn't quite true, and frankly i could care less if you pick the wrong one.

Face it, you've already bred. The damage is already done.

Thank you, and have a nice day.