Employee X is, quite possibly, the most employee like employee we have employed. X has consistently shown the sort of consumer level focus, mindful attention to exemplar detail, and deep, incest love of pencil erasers that makes our company one of the top performing companies in the major indexes. He is a true team player, an essential wing to the center pitcher that knows how to kick that last minute, 3 point bucket all the way to the finish line.
X has consistently and proactively managed to assemble conclusive and productive evidence and materials using a vast array of consonants and phonemes contingent on conjunctive use. Without his valuable assistance, innumerable coccygeal support systems would undoubtedly find themselves in a counter gravitational state, plus X has displayed frequent hydroambulatory skills most notably in excessive periods of increased hydro-oxycity.
X values communication and vigorously seeks to engage in it. He is quite supportive of the open dialog and often expresses great insight into complex business systems by use of current events and references to popular culture. These free exchanges are not confined to the demands of meetings, but often take place impromptu, such as in hallways, at urinals, or near the coffee machines.
X is acutely aware of the value of productivity, and makes time to frequently examine competitive products using a wide array of skills and resources, sometimes even going so far as to purchase those products out of personal funds and use them on a daily basis for quite an extended period of time. X even encourages other employees to review these products by discussing his findings at length at the aforementioned locations.
Yes, X is an employee whose value to the company cannot be measured monetarily. In fact, X has demonstrated that true value comes not only from a job well done, but from thinking outside of the box. It's therefore my pleasure to encourage you to seek to put X in that position.
Quickly.
Before i get stuck next to him in the bathroom again.
Why, yes, i did just spend all day finishing all of the peer reviews due tomorrow, and no, nobody got that one. Honest.
Doesn't mean i'm not a little punchy anyway…
