Hmm… i'm thinking six is a good number.
At six, kids have good language skills, imagination and the workings of logic. All stuff one can happily mess with. i think.
See, not having any kids of my own, i really don't have much experience with them. However, since the various inlaws and outlaws don't exactly have a shortage of kids, it's up to me to figure out how to be a "good uncle". Fortunately, the oldest is just over six, so i shouldn't have too much trouble corrupting her mind keeping her entertained, but i'm not 100% sure what would be the best approach.
Oh sure, there's the DS, and she's at the age that i could tell her the Great Green Gorilla joke (which will probably take 10 minutes if i pad it out correctly), and i suppose we could spend quite sometime drawing stuff, but there's always the lingering sense that there's something else i could be doing to let her know that her God Father isn't a boring stick-in-the-mud.
Although i suppose that's half the fun isn't it? Trying to guess what will make her light up.
i'm betting she'll be even more fun when she hits ten though. That's when i can show her how to make baking soda and vinegar rockets and kinescopes out of strips of paper and not worry about her mom killing me on sight.
Phineas T. Pharnswallow was, without exception, one of the greatest unsung explorers of the mid 20th century. A quiet man who preferred the depths of study to any self-aggrandizing promotion, he was responsible for a great many of the new species discoveries, including the Peruvian Pygmy Gnat, the highly reclusive Three Toed Silver beaked ocelot, and of course the famed San Diegan Seven Legged Cockroach. Yet for all his great finds, there was one species that forever eluded him. Occasionally in his travels to the lower Himalayan rainforests, he'd hear locals mention them in passing, speaking in low, respectful tones of the mighty beasts, yet no matter how he pressed, dug, bribed and coerced the responsible parties, little would ever come of his efforts.
His obsession drove Phineas to near destitution. Every nickel, every dime went in his near endless pursuit of the legendary Great Green Gorilla. Oh sure, the wandering biologist might be interested at first in Phineas' indepth discussion of the beasts amazing prowess and intelligence, but by the thirtieth hour, the biologist would have finally chewed through the wall and secured his freedom. These were creatures of undeniable majesty, but were beyond rare, beyond reclusive, and beyond the casual observation that even Yeti were seen attending more parties.
It was a dark and stormy November night when the phonecall came. "i have what you seek" the voice on the telephone crackled, "but i must meet you alone." Phineas took down the address and with hardly a thought as to the dangerous dock-side tavern he had agreed to meet at, took his seat and shivered in anticipation. He was oblivious to the angry stares that bore down upon him in the near darkness, weighted by the malicious grumblings and evil laughter that was just below discernible. Before harm could befall Phineas, however, the door slowly creaked open and a old man entered.
Conversation stopped, and even the largest of thugs quickly moved out of the old man's way. What was once contempt and anger was quickly replaced with fear. The old man slowly made his way to the table where Phineas sat.
"Are you Professer Pharnswallow?", the old man creaked in a raspy voice.
"Why, yes." Phineas replied, "Do you have the information?" Phineas perked up in eager anticipation of his life long obsession.
The old man looked coldly at Phineas. "Yes," he said, "but i also have a warning. Whatever you do, no matter what, you must never, ever touch a Great Green Gorilla." A crack of lighting lit the bar as if to underscore the dire message.
"Yes, yes," Phineas brushed aside the warning eagerly eying the aged parchment map the old man slowly drew from his coat.
"Mark my words, or else suffer the fate that has befallen others that sought the Great Green Gorillas." The old man chuckled as he presented the map. The chuckle became a laugh as he slowly turned toward the door and his maddening cackle filled the night air as he departed into the darkness outside.
Phineas was oblivious to it all. He held the map. It detailed the exact whereabouts his prized gorillas existed. He paid for his tea and left, barely able to contain his joy.
The trip would be expensive, but he managed to acquire funding and sponsorship from a number of philanthropists in the New York area. The promised to build him a gallery to showcase the newly constructed Empire State building, and with much unwanted fan fare, Phineas set off on his travels.
It was a long hard trip. There was a reason that the Great Green Gorillas were never found. The road was filled with towering shear cliffs, pits filled with angry vipers and tribes of deadly hunters that thought little of killing any outsider. Phineas lost most of his fellow travelers, but still he pressed on.
Finally, when all seemed lost, beaten and within an inch of his life, Phineas entered the grove of the Great Green Gorillas. Suddenly Phineas was surrounded by hundreds of them, merrily swinging from the trees and vines, playing in the lush grasses. They were more beautiful than he, or anyone could have imagined.
With a heavy thud, a Great Green Gorilla landed mere inches from Phineas. Too tired to move, Phineas stood his ground and stared at the beast. Phineas realized that he had little to fear as the gorilla was as curious about him as he was of the gorilla. The beast made small "ook" noises as he bent and twisted to look at the newest visitor to the grove. Then, the gorilla slowly extended a finger toward Phineas, coming within a fraction of an inch of him. Phineas laughed and gently placed his open hand upon the mighty beast.
Suddenly, the beast roared in a mighty cry as Phineas realized what he had done. He had touched the Great Green Gorilla. The beast's cry was met by the others and soon the grove shook with the sound. The sunlight was gone, blotted out by screaming gorillas.
Phineas ran. He ran with energy he never thought he'd have. The gorillas followed. He ran through the head hunter villages, the gorillas followed. He climbed the shear cliffs, the gorillas followed. Phineas ran for what seemed like days, and still the gorillas followed, filling is footsteps with howls.
He reached to dock for his ship, mere minutes ahead of the gorillas. With nearly seconds to spare, the ship pulled out, gorillas throwing themselves at the hull trying to get to Phineas, but unable to find a way to grip the steel. So the gorillas swam. Terror gripped Phineas every day as he looked to the horizon and saw the ever-present green gorillas fighting to keep up with the ship.
He arrived in New York and raced off the boat, confident that he could lose them in this concrete jungle, but as he left the gangway, he spotted the first of the gorillas pulling itself to the top of the pier. It let loose another blood curdling cry and leapt after Phineas as if it had just woken that day.
Phineas flagged down a cab and told him his destination, the gorillas chased again, leaving a wake of terror as they charged en masse through the Bowery.
They still followed him when he reached the Empire State Building, and an green paw nearly swiped him as he entered the elevator for the top. Phineas had hoped that he could secure himself behind the indestructible walls of his gallery, but alas, it was yet to be finished. Terror filled Phineas as he heard their inhuman cries echo from the stairwell. He raced for the observation deck.
Nothing, there was nowhere to hide, so he climbed. Phineas, his body weak from the chase, climbed hand over hand, headed for the top of the building, hoping that he might hide from his followers.
He watched the gorillas fill the observation deck looking for Phineas. He held his breath as he stared down, trying to ignore the vertigo. Seconds passed as the gorillas searched, then they turned and started to leave. Phineas grew light headed from holding his breath, and against his will, gasped for air.
The last gorilla hear him, and looked up. It was the same one that he had touched. It grinned it's teeth, let loose a cry and leapt to the roof. Phineas shimmied further up the pole. All was lost. The gorilla slowly approached. Tears of panic streamed from Phineas' eyes as the gorilla came within inches of him. His great paw reached out, again, slowly. Phineas was unable to speak from the terror that gripped his soul. He felt the hand grow closer and closer, his heart pounding harder and harder, Finally, he could feel the gorillas finger rest upon his leg. Phineas looked down at the gorilla who said, "Tag, your it!"
i'll be running now.
