jr conlin's ink stained banana

Those of you for whom solid food was an option back in the 80's may remember when TCBY was "a big thing". The original idea was that it had "Less Fat and Great Taste! Plus free toppings!" Those free toppings included things like fresh berries and sliced almonds, but the big sellers were the hot fudge and busted up Butterfingers folks dumped on for "free".

About six years later, folks figured out that dumping that crap on top of the somewhat sour but still overly sweetened frozen desert wasn't really any better than getting a simple scoop of Double Dutch Fudge from Baskin & Robbins. The number of shops offering "healthy" frozen yogurt diminished to the handful you find in mostly abandoned shopping malls that still think it's the 80's. Ah, but everything old becomes new again, and once again the lands are blossoming with more freaking fro-yo shops than you could shake a ladle at.

This time, things seem to be strongly Asian influenced. You've got seriously Asian shops like Red Mango, which feature Green Tea, Mango and other flavors never imagined at i Can't Believe It's Yogurt. They also have the smallest "toppings" selections which leans more toward the fruit than Willy Wonka's floor sweepings. Then TuttiMelon, Green Cup, Yumi-yogurt and dozens of little startup/knock off places.

Then you have the power-hitters, Yogurt-land and Pinkberry. Yogurt land seems to be designed perfectly for people with kids and bad math skills. They have one size cup, which is closer to bucket than you'd probably prefer. You then fill it with which ever of too many flavors of yogurt which you pay for by ounce. They also have a wide range of "free" toppings. Why the quotes? Because they weigh the cup after you add the toppings. Yeah, no so much with the "free" in that regard. Pinkberry targets a higher end and takes a slightly better approach. Wade through the hipsters fashionistas and you order a size and can choose toppings which are added for you. There, you get a lot more yogurt in your cup than other crap, but it's not cheap.

In fact, none of these really are. What's more, it's still frozen yogurt, which if you're not a fan of the unfrozen variety, isn't really going to win you over when covered in Lucky Charms and chocolate chips. That's not stopping these things from popping up like the bastard children of 7-11 and Starbucks, however. i know of five within a five mile radius of my home, with at least two more under construction.

Thing is, i like yogurt. i like frozen yogurt. i like flavors like pomegranate with blackberries and raspberries added, or plain yogurt with honey and lemon. That's not what the other folks in line are generally ordering. What they're getting looks like what happens if you toss a frag grenade into the Keebler tree and use yogurt as a bonding agent (minus the bloody elf bits, which may or may not cost extra). It just seems gross. i can't imagine any way that Green Tea could ever make chocolate syrup covered pineapple with Nerds taste all that appealing.

Which means that i'll wait 'til the battlefield empties a touch before i venture back. Until then, i'll be over at the Gelato joint enjoying a mix of raspberry sorbet with just a touch of the agave sweetened dark chocolate.