jr conlin's ink stained banana

[wild cheering]

Thank you! Thank you all! What a great night this is for America!

[more cheering]

It is with great honor and pride that i accept this position which i have been tirelessly spending vast sums of money to acquire!

[Cheers!]

i'll have you know that just prior to coming out to speak to you, i received a gracious call from my opponent conceding this election.

[Lots of cheering]

And though i spent the last five months telling you that he eats babies and regularly worships satan, i accepted his courteous offer before telling him that i was the one who slit his dog's throat last Tuesday.

[a bit less Cheering]

Let's face it, i slung more mud at that bozo than BP's pumped into the well. Heck, the past few weeks? i was just making crap up. You can't imagine the kind of glee i felt watching that maroon trying to calmly discuss why his grandmother was not smuggling Mexicans north in a hot air balloon during World War II. Honestly, there are jukeboxes that are harder to play. But that's not what we're here to talk about tonight! No, tonight we talk about the future!

[Ok, the cheering is back]

A future where you realize that you elected me on groundless promises that had you stayed awake for ten minutes in civics would have shown as impossible!

[And, the cheering is a bit less again]

A future where i will come to the stark realization that politics means other people, and i get to live out the repeated failings of countless others who have held this office ahead of me.

[clapping]

People You hated. People you wanted out so that you could get this fresh face in charge. People who wouldn't think twice about condemning your neighborhood for a strip bar if it got them that much closer to a more powerful position or at least a decent kick back.

[POST EFX:insert clapping here]

And furthermore, a future where you realize that the slim number of my policies that have the best chance of actually passing are the ones you skipped over because they were boring. Policies like cutting funding for community programs, infrastructure, and permit oversight. So i wouldn't park anything better than a Pinto under any trees in the area.

[a random cough]

So thank you, one and all! Your votes mean the world to me. Not as much as the money i'll be getting from lobbyists and future speaking engagements, but it's sweet how the puppies come back after you kick them. Oh, wait, no that comes next week.

[ ]

Thank you and God Bless America!

Last night, i was contacted by a terrorist organization.

i have to admit, i'm not exactly sure how they got my information, nor do i understand why they were interested in me, but sure enough, i got a call from "Out of Area". Thinking it might be my sister-in-law who's phone occasionally comes up like that, my wife answered and was told that the caller wanted to speak to me. That's when a rather tired, low level telephone operator told me to stay on the line for a message for a recorded statement and a one question poll.

That's when i heard the apparent ringleader of this terrorist cell, Dick Durbin, tell me how he is opposed to justice, favors torture, and is seeking to aide overseas terrorist recruiting operations.

Ok, even if that really was the Senator from Illinois, he didn't come out and say any of those. Instead the recording went on about how he's opposed to closing Gitmo, doesn't want alleged torture investigations to continue, and how we're all going to die horribly at the hands of the Unitard-Bomber. Even before he got to the sales pitch about some other "like minded" organization that wants my money to keep the children safe, i realized something. In effect, he was frightening imagery and the threat of personal harm in order to scare me into agreeing with him. He was invoking terror for personal or political gain. He was a terrorist.

i'll note that not all terrorists stuff explosives into articles of clothing and try to set them of at 30,000 feet. Those that remember the IRA battles remember that the vast majority of terrorist activities involved posing the threat or taking credit for an action (often dozens of organizations will take credit for an attack). Often trying to influence folks far beyond the area they can best reach, say, like calling residents of a state a thousand or so miles away and trying to convince them they're not far more likely to die in an accident on the way to the airport than while in flight. (This is why it's important to learn math, kids.)

Still, it kind of saddens me that we have so many terrorists deeply embedded in our media, society and governing bodies. But at least i'm taking a stand against them.

Right, so Obama is in.

i'll note that this means "we" (those that supported his candidacy) just got pole position. Now the race really begins.

It's now up to us to make sure that Obama sticks to his announced agenda unless there is clear, abundant and irrefutable proof otherwise. It's now up to us to start realizing that we can't just spend trillions on things and expect to never have to pay for them. It's now up to us to realize that we are not going to get everything we want but will get what we can compromise for. It's now up to us to prove that this wasn't as bad as some folks will attempt to make it. It's now up to us to realize that some folks will not change their mind and in the best of cases will only begrudgingly admit that things aren't as screwed up as we expected.

i expect there to be a swarm of the same sort of stickers stuck on the back of Hybrid vehicles, slightly tweaked, and appearing on SUVs. i expect America to be again held hostage on certain radio shows while folks talk about how life was so much better until the Dems got control. i expect that while troops will not be as narrowly deployed in the future, there will still be plenty of call for the World's Self Ordained Police Force.

My most fervent dream is that we would elect someone willing to make really unpopular decisions in order to get us back to where we need to be. Someone willing to treat us as a nation of grown ups, with the risks, pains, and joys that go with that. Willing to note our failures are as important as our successes because that's how we can improve. Willing to realize that the world changes and the best way to live is to surround yourself with happy people. Willing to realize that violence is an act of last resort, and that the best way to avoid a bad situation is to ensure there are other options.

Sadly, none of those have been terribly popular in the past, and i suspect they'll continue not to be in the future. It takes a lot of effort to build something. It's far too easy to destroy it.

Am i hopeful for the future? Of course. Am i skeptical? You bet. We're talking politics here, but there's the opportunity for us to make a difference.

Just don't forget that "us" means you and i as well as everyone else.

i try to avoid political crap on my blog, but this definitely crossed the line. (And considering how many folks i probably pissed off with the last post, might as well continue the trend.)

i voted No on 8, the "Save the Traditional Family" BS Prop currently on the ballot, and if you're a resident of California, please do the same. (i voted via absentee ballot because i like having a record of my voting.)

Why did i vote no? Because i want your spouse to be able to visit you in the hospital. i want you to be able to leave him or her your estate. And even in a depressed economy like this, i want the two of you to be able to purchase a home.

Why do i say that instead of the crap about Suzy bringing home a copy of The King and King? Because, the issues i talk about are the ones that matter, not some other crap. i'm talking about stuff that will be prevented, not spooky bug-a-boos that might make parents who aren't competent enough to teach their own kids uncomfy. Worse thing is that we see the same damn Proposition every couple of years because someone has a hair up their ass.

If two people want to get recognized by the State of California as an interdependent couple, that's jim-friggin'-dandy. Churches don't have to recognize them, just like i don't have to recognize some dude in fancy dress as being the divine representative of God. It's not about churches anyway. i'm also willing to believe that there won't be loud greased up gay sex in the street outside my home for the same reason that my wife and i don't get greased up and rut like animals on the sidewalk.

Also; this isn't about being afraid of gay folk, this prop is just a way for one group of loud, obnoxious bastards to make life miserable for someone else they don't like. Sanctity of marriage? Yeah, right. what was the divorce rate in the US again? (i'll even toss in that all my Pro 8 neighbors are not only nicely conservative, but divorced.)

The other reason i've voted No on 8? The non-stop parade of ads.

A) We don't have any money.

We're going to have to borrow to get the $700+ billion. This, on top of the money we've borrowed in the past, pushing our debt to truly insane levels. We already owe more than any other country on the planet, and this would nearly double that amount.

We are destitute.

We have no money.

And frankly, we need something like this to wake up. We don't ask enough questions about things. We're not cynical or skeptical enough by any stretch. We've been living off the kindness of strangers so damn long that we've forgotten how to earn a living.

i don't want a bailout of financial institutions. If anything, i want the government to mandate a readjustment of home property mortgage values meaning that the $1.2m McMansion you bought 120 miles from the city is now worth $200K. (Take the Materials and Labor cost to rebuild from the insurance estimates, plus averaged land value, replace the gold lined bathtubs with standard, and ca-ching: proper home value) Lose money off the deal? Too bad, so sad, but you get to keep your home (and yeah, the amount of principal paid is likewise adjusted, so no, you haven't paid it off in full yet either). This will mean that you (and i) will lose a horrific amount of money from various trusts and funds based off of real-estate. Gone like the unsecured, unguaranteed, past performance is not an indicator of future performance, funds we signed up with declared themselves to be. It also means that should you decide to opt into the government forgiving the greed part of your home purchase decision, that's the max price you can sell the property for. Oh dear! Looks like you'll need to find some other way to invest for retirement, doesn't it? i recommend savings accounts

This is why i live in a three room ranch within city limits in a nice, quiet neighborhood. Yes, my home value has been hit, and probably will be hit again, but i guarantee i'm not going to lose as much as someone who "had to live in Stockton but man, what a house i got for the money!"

There's a reason that Gran'ma used to keep her life savings in a coffee can. It's because she, along with most of her generation, learned a really hard lesson. Because of those lessons, you're not out selling apples on the street corner yet, but apparently, we hadn't learned enough to keep from doing other really stupid things.

Perhaps it's time we got schooled again.