Me: (reading alert off of my phone) Huh, quake off of San Francisco a few minutes ago. Looks like it was a three pointer,
John: (sitting next to me) What, did you feel it?
…
Why yes, it was a lateral movement quake with a thrust vector of .01, brown shoes and from it's stance, hailed from Cotsgold on the Hampshire.
Excellent deduction, Watson, but you failed to note the fact that the quake had a limp! Mwah-ha-ha!
i really like the folks i work with…
When one is running away, one must be mindful of the differences in "flee!". In order to aid in determining the proper form of panicky outcry, keep the following guidelines in mind:
Flee as in "BEAR!"
Oh God! A bear? In Here!? Is it rabid! i think it's rabid! Oh Hell, it's got Johnson! Run away while it's mouth is full! Wait, is that? Oh God! More Bears!
Flee as in "BREACH!"
What!? The dam has broken!? We're all going to die! Head to the hills! Run, for your lives! WHAT!? The reactor core shield has failed!? This can't be happening! See if you can lure the zombies that just broke through the barriers toward there to absorb some of the radiation! Save the women and children before the hull loses integrity!
We hope that this assists you in determining the proper distinction in apocalyptic outcries of anguish and in understanding it's role in everyday conversation.
At lunch today, we discovered that the Universal Word isn't quite as universal as we thought. It turns out that while it can be used as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, prepositional clause, pronoun, and most other parts of speech, it has yet to be widely accepted as an article.
i intend on remedying that.
To that end, i plan on beginning to use The Universal Word in sentences such as:
"Would you please pass me f@ck salt?"
"Yes, i would like f#ck slice of delicious fruit."
"Excuse me, but is this where f$ck 113 bus stops?"
"F^ck quick brown fox jumped over fuck lazy dog."
This, of course, would inevitably lead to the final achievement, where entire complex sentences can be constructed using only the Universal Word such as "F&ck f*cking fƱckers f©cked f•cks."
i predict that this will come as a huge boon to anyone in the IT or telecommunications fields. Possibly also Physicists depending on what just unexpectedly became critically unstable.
Here's hoping your New Year is just a little random.
Tomorrow starts the (argumentatively) beginning of a new decade, and a good many folks are looking back on how far we've come in the past ten years. One need only think back to what it was like this time in 2009 to see how much has changed (all praise our Glorious Robot Overlords). i don't believe that there are many who feel that 2019 was a "banner year", but it's important to put things in perspective.
Probably the most surprising event in the past decade was the great privacy backlash of '12. Hard to believe that prior to that year, people were not required by law to update their current location and activity to one of any number of federally recognized "Personal Notification Sites" such as Twitterbook or Google Omni. There was a lot of protest against this move (even from myself, i'll add), but once the Homeland Security Representatives informed us that it was not only to prevent terrorism and save the children, but that those opposed to such legislation would face a minimum of three years in Suspicious Activity Relocation facilities, i soon saw the merit of adding that free download to my Android. Now, for the benefit of our peaceful society my every waking and non-waking move is tracked and coordinated by friends, family, random strangers, and government officials. Thank goodness that there are strict laws in place to prevent felons from using this publicly available, non-encrypted, constantly updated data stream from not carrying their Android while committing misdemeanor acts, otherwise they'd face stiff penalties of up to $100 per incident.
Of course, it's not like there was any where one can go. As you recall, with the rise of terrrorist and terror-like activities, Homeland Security pushed through legislation banning all forms of travel in '13. Of course, with the various attempts by the Ear Canal bomber, Rectal bomber, Teeth bomber and Richard Freese, the man that tried to bring down Flight 419 by giving every passenger a vicious Indian burn (Thankfully thwarted by the quick actions of Hassan "Purple Nurple" Sadri), pre-flight security procedures required being at the airport a minimum of 72 hours before your flight (96 hours for international flights). Americans (and those wishing to travel anywhere near America) soon grew weary of spending most of their week long vacation standing in lines and being repeatedly and invasively screened.
Fortunately, there was always home entertainment to while away your non-employed hours, and with the introduction of TotalDRM legislation from the RIAA and MPAA, they were finally able to close the "Digital Hole" in '14. The "Analog Hole", having long ago been dealt with by releasing equipment that only supported "Trufidelity" audio and video. The new TotalDRM v2160p video standard produced amazingly life like picture and audio that burst into flames within 12 hours of purchase, requiring the purchase of an entirely new, Applesoft self-contained home entertainment/explosion containment system after watching any Personal Media. Personally, i'm not terribly comfortable with the newly proposed solution the "Memory Hole" issue that the RIAA/MPAA are now trying to get addressed by legislative means. i don't really see where i should have to pay them a royalty every time i recall a scene from a movie or (God forbid), have a song get stuck in my head. Still, if it does pass, i suppose i won't really resist having my mind wiped immediately after watching or hearing new Personal Media. Just need to make sure i write down somewhere that i watched it.
Of course the cost of the new Trufidelity systems finally dropped to the affordable price of $2000 per release in '15, and was heralded as the dawn of a new age for Digital Content. Sadly, that was the same year that we had to spend nearly $4 Trillion bailing out the struggling US music and movie industries. i remember listening to hours of testimony from beleaguered executives bemoaning the rise of pirate technologies such as "cassette tapes" and "acapella singing groups" that were killing off the efforts of the artists they decided we should listen to.
Personally, my proudest moment for the species was the Great Lesson in Math back in '16, where a group of rogue statisticians and math teachers set up guerrilla classrooms to teach people fundamentals of statistical analysis and scale. Hard to believe that so many individuals had no idea just how big things were and just how unlikely a good many things they were fretting about would happen. Things like pointing out that if your living room was twenty by thirty feet, the U.S. was roughly 105,659,136,000 times as large, or that they have a greater likelihood of being six degrees from Kevin Bacon than being involved in a terrorist event. It was wonderful when folks realized that when a talking head frets about how some program will cost taxpayers one billion dollars, that even back in the depths of the Recession of '09 people spent over 9 billion dollars at Starbucks Coffee, and nearly 37 billion dollars on Apple computer products, and that a program that costs one trillion dollars works out to be a cost of about $9 a day for every citizen. Kinda made individuals realize that spending $9 for a public option for health care was a better deal than spending $40 bailing out the parties that brought us Britney Spears Vegas Comeback Tour, and Twilight XVIII: Revenge of the Were-Chihuahuas, but i'm hoping that went into the "painful lessons learned" category.
i also wasn't horribly surprised by the huge political shift in this country around the recent mid-term elections. Americans finally had enough with the established parties and turned to the one thing they trusted to do no wrong. Google had long held a position of trust and people had gladly turned over their federally required personal information to the white hat wearing black hole. The rise of the Google Mobile System, which let people record their position as well as track others, lead to the widespread adoption of the Google Phones as the only option. It was only natural that people elected the guys responsible for this boon to society to powerful positions of authority and thus the rise of the Android Party in '18. It quickly ousted established Democrat and Republican interests with Androids. Granted, it was a bit surprising to find out that the beings put in office were actually sentient, hominid shaped machines, but thanks to their overwhelming position of authority, they quickly passed amendments which ensured that they were legally allowed to serve in office and that those wishing to dissent would be relocated to S.A.R. camps while their case waited hearing.
Ah well, soon it will be my legally mandated turn at the Green Energy Manual Dynamo Processing Center. That program sure did a lot to solve the obesity problem, what with the mandatory 12 hour shifts under the watchful gaze of the Cyber-Encouragers. With any hope, my death will come swiftly.
If not, see you all in a decade!
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