jr conlin's ink stained banana

[GAH! Stupid blog decided not to publish this last night]

i asked a good friend (one with a long track record of writing real things) to look over a story i wrote. His candor was refreshing, his complements rewarding, but what i really appreciated was his utterly and completely true comment that what i had written wasn't so much an actual story as a series of loosely bound skits around a common theme.

i couldn't argue. It was. Then again, that's generally what most of the stuff i come up with is.

Ultimately, the problem i have is that while i'm rather good at coming up with opening lines for things, and can string hair brained plot lines together to beat all, i absolutely suck at coming up with endings. Granted, that makes me eminently qualified to do things like write episodes of popular TV series or yet another continuing story of some space soap opera, ultimately it means that i'm not really capable of creating a proper "story". One that, to paraphrase one of my favorite authors "Starts at the beginning, works its way through the middle, and stops when it gets to the end."

Perhaps what i need to do is work backwards like i'm writing some detective story. Start with the Butler being taken away in chains and work your way in reverse until there's a body on the ground. Not quite sure how that works with comedy SciFi, but hey, that's the challenge, isn't it?

i wonder if i should work with JIM to figure out a good ending for next years NaNoWriMo?

Based on something i was doing for the aforementioned Steve, if and when i ever do publish Grayhound, i think this is going on the cover:

Like a good 102% of folks out there, i harbor a secret urge to one day become a published author. That, or possibly become a math major. Either would be fine, really. Thing is, i am increasingly made more and more aware that it just won't happen.

Perhaps it's just the fact that i listen to a good many book critics. For instance, after reading a snippet from a book featured in a column called You Must Read This, i felt overwhelmingly depressed. (It's at the bottom) It was about porn, auto-castration and various other things that could actually be fodder for a good deal of writing.

It was then that i realized that critics are never going to like me.

i've heard book reviews where critics pile praise upon new authors describing the lyrical twist and phrasing that makes words dance off the page like a Sex Pistol's mosh pit. i've heard them tell of characters from the novel being so very real that you come home and find they've been drinking straight from your milk container. Of vistas so grand and sweeping you'll need to pull over and ask for directions.

Yeah, i'm pretty darn sure i've none of that. Heck, i'm lucky i remember to include a subject and noun.

Still, i wondered what i was missing. The article didn't sing to me like a canary in a meth plant perched on Roger Daltrey's microphone. It was like a slug to the brain, but for me it was more "garden" than "golly". In fact, i was fairly certain that this was about the driest presentation of the matter that i'd read. i'll also add that a great many of the critical reviews i've heard seem to consist of the reviewer dazzling us with their own words rather than those of the person they were dazzled by.

So, maybe not getting critical acclaim isn't so bad after all. Heck, maybe that should be my goal. Perhaps i should try to avoid critics as much as Dracula avoided dining on bruschetta. If i ever were to create a successful novel, perhaps i should carry a supply of ninja smoke bombs if i were to ever meet a literary scholar.

Or maybe i should just realize that unless i get off my duff and actually write something, this just isn't gonna be a concern for me.

But man, i've SERIOUSLY got to lay off reading those book reviews. i think they give me gas.

The sun was still shining as dinner was being served, and prompt as always, the waiter delivered the Antepasta.

"There you go, uno carrpaccio. Manga!"

"You're not going to seriously eat that are you?" B said, as notes of horror and disgust creeped slowly into his voice.

A waved the crust in his hand toward B. "See? That's what i was talking about. i'm not making any comments about your steamed artichoke, am i?"

"i'm not about to dig into a plate full of murder", B said through slightly clenched teeth.

A looked at his dish. Paper thin slices of raw beef, decorated with capers and lemon sat on the plate, flecked with flakes of fresh parsely. The meat just starting to "cook" from the acids of the lemon juice. "God, i hope it's murder."

B cocked an eyebrow toward A.

"i mean, i'd think that it would be far crueler if the cow were still alive while they were slicing this off, right?"

---

For their size, the assembled protesters were doing their very best to make their issues heard. Their leader stood, megaphone in hand calling out the protests.

"No Nukes in Iran!"

"No Nukes in Iran!"

"Free the Political Prisoners in China Now!"

"Free the Political Prisoners in China Now!"

"The fundementals of a populist based society are founded in the ideals of a truely democratic governance which is based in the benevolance of the collective whole"

"Mmszzzrfrfrrzzelfflrrrrzzzmmmrrfffmwrrfsssl!"
i like cheese

*sigh*

i really need to find time to start writing for me again…

Folks, i'll be square with you.

When i was originally thinking about publishing out my crap, i didn't because the price was a little high. How high? well, to put out just the first half book one of TGC, going through several of the Print on Demand places would put the base price at around $10 a book. That's a helluva lot of money to pay, and that's without me earning anything from it. i originally looked at going through Lulu.com because the final book price would be something a tad more respectable.

That, apparently, has changed.

If i were to put out the first 125 pages or so of Grayhound, by base cost would be $6.95. Mind you, i'm happy not making anything on that since i already provide the stuff for free, but crimany, there's no way i can honestly expect anyone to pony up that sort of cash. Heck, you'd probably be better off sending the file to the local print shop and getting them to dump it out doublesided and it'd cost less plus you'll probably have enough to pay for a binder to toss it in, if only because you won't have to pay shipping on top of it.

i'll still make it available if y'all want, but there's no way in sweet hell i'd pay that sort of money for my own writing.