Hi, i'd like to welcome you to [MANAGEMENT SEMINAR TEMPLATE #415123.7 beta]. It's great to have you all here and i know we're all going to learn a great deal.
Ok, first off i want to do a little exercise with you. First pick up [MEANINGLESS DEVICE MEANT TO DIVIDE A GROUP INTO EQUALLY MEANINGLESS SUB-GROUPS (E.G. PERSONALITY TYPES, CAREER PATHS, CHINESE ZODIAC SIGNS, ETC.). THIS SYMBOLIZES DIVERSITY WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE EVERY COMPANY NEEDS MORE DIVISION.]
Great, now that we've all found our group, i what do you think it means? [ANSWER QUESTIONS IN NEBULOUS TONE POINTING OUT HOW THE "CARB" GROUP DIFFERS FROM THE "PROTIEN" GROUP, THE "CONDIMENT" GROUP AND THE "VEGGIES" GROUP.]
Those are all great points [LIE], but do you know what makes it even better? [RESIST POINTING OUT YOU'VE MODELED YOUR MANAGERIAL METHOD FROM A BLT] That's right, working together! [STIFLE LAUGH SINCE YOU JUST SPENT AN HOUR HAVING EVERYONE DIVIDED UP IN DIFFERENT GROUPS.]
Let's take a quick break.
[OK, ONCE EVERYONE'S OUT, NOW YOU CAN LAUGH. CHECK THE STATUS ON THAT CASHIER'S CHECK.]
Ok, now that we've covered some of the basics, let me use that foundation to bring out what you need to think about. [FILL THE NEXT HOUR WITH COMMON SENSE STUFF LIKE "Use your undervalued resources" AND "Communication is your best asset". SURE, IT'S CRAP THEY'VE HEARD FOR YEARS. MAYBE THIS TIME IT WILL SINK IN.]
Great. Ok, time for that next break!
[DID IT CLEAR YET? NO? DARN, ONE MORE HOUR]
Ok, now, let's think about what sort of challenges you face. [YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY OUGHT TO BASE YOUR NEXT SCAM SYSTEM OFF OF THE WIZARD OF OZ BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT HOUR BUILDING AND TEARING DOWN STRAWMEN. DID YOU KNOW THAT EVERY WORK ENVIRONMENT IS DIFFERENT? NO, OF COURSE NOT, AND THEY WON'T EITHER. DON'T FORGET TO INCLUDE BASE TRUISMS LIKE "No company wants to fail", "You can't mandate innovation" AND "You need to cut the fat". GRANTED, THE COMPANY MAY NOT WANT TO FAIL, BUT THE OTHER DIVISIONS SURE DO, SINCE THEY'D GET YOUR BUDGET, BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT. SERIOUSLY, DON'T LET THEM BRING THAT UP.]
Hey, were nearly done! One more break and we'll wrap up.
Ok, so, we've covered a lot of material here. [MAKE SURE THEY ALL HAVE THE VARIOUS 'MEMORY AIDS' AND FOUR COLOR 'GUIDE CARDS' THAT WILL SIT IN A DUSTY DRAWER FOR YEARS.] Any questions?
[OK, HERE'S WHERE THINGS GET DANGEROUS. IF YOU DID YOUR JOB RIGHT, YOU DROPPED ENOUGH LEADING YET UNANSWERED QUESTIONS IN THE PAST FOUR HOURS THAT YOU'LL MORE THAN FILL THIS TIME. PAD, BABY PAD. OK, RECYCLE POINTS TOO. ONE CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH TRUISMS. IF SOMEONE WAS ACTUALLY PAYING ATTENTION AND ASKS A QUESTION LIKE "Wait, so if innovation can only occur in failing projects (that have nothing to lose) and highly successful projects (that can afford it), aren't you missing opportunities to innovate in the vast majority of middle projects that actually NEED innovation?", HAVE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE CLASS ANSWER HIM. HE WON'T GET THE ANSWER HE'S LOOKING FOR, BUT WON'T WANT TO PISS OFF HIS COWORKERS EITHER. IF HE PRESSES ANYWAY, TELL HIM THAT HIS QUESTION NEEDS TO BE MORE THOUGHT OUT.]
Great! Ok, that's it. i sure hope that this has been as helpful for you as it has been for [OTHER COMPANIES THAT BOUGHT THIS CRAP], and remember, if you can't remember something we covered here, consult your [MEANINGLESS CHART], talk to other folks who came today, or [PLUG YOUR BOOK ON AMAZON].
Thanks again! Now go out there and be [THE BESTEST BLT SAMMICHES EVER] great managers!
