Thanks to Toby and Kent, i finally saw the latest iteration of Star Trek. (i'd call it a mandate, but then that would give you mental images that you simply do not want.)
All in all, pretty good movie. Granted, it was Star Trek, and even without Shatner, there were plenty of "moments".
Roger Penobscott of Saginaw Michigan (the last Trek interested individual who has not yet seen the movie), you may want to stop reading.
For the rest, the following comments were things i did not say during the movie. (But damn i wanted to.)
- Ok, first rule of space travel, when confronting a large ship of unknown origin, don't head to the pointy end!
- Hang on Honey, the light turned red. Yeah, Jim's a great name. So what are you planning on having for dinner later?
- Good News Sweden! Apparently your cellphone industry was unaffected by the near apocalyptic, drug fueled war that nearly destroyed the planet.
- i Love You Thelma!
- Affirmative, we also require your lunch money. In addition it is most logical that you turn around so that the wedgie would be most effective.
- Wait, in the future, Nokia owns Budweiser?
- Wow, no bruises or scabs from the bleeding sores? Kirk cleans up fast.
- Little known fact: The Enterprise was legislative pork from the Iowa Senator. Even Lesser Known Fact: It runs on ethanol.
- Somewhere, Deforrest Kelly is smiling.
- They were just kinda hanging out in the middle of nowhere for twenty-five years? That must have been one helluva porn channel.
- Well that answers the question: "Star Fleet: Will it blend?"
- Do not extract matter from HappyFunBall.
- Kirk's like Spock's younger brother, ain't he? His younger, annoying brother you'd want to stuff in a hamper.
- Where was Spock expecting to show up when he scrunched down like that?
- Ok, uhm, collected archives of knowledge? no. Priceless works of art? Skip 'em. Old farts! We need to grab the praying old farts!
- Uhm, black holes don't work like that.
- Wait, what? So the biggest, baddest ship in the galaxy right now is a dilapidated mining vessel? i'm sure they spent those long 25 years warning the home planet about their now easily forseeable doom or advancing their technologies or… Damn. REALLY good porn then.
- Hang on, if that's all of the HappyFunBall Spock needed to end the supernova, why did he have several lifetime supplies of the stuff? Did they buy it at Costco or something?
- Apparently, in the Trek Universe, all the planets are a few miles apart. Warp speed just means smearing the glass with vasoline so it looks like you're going really fast.
- Aa-and the Kirk came back, the very next day. The Kirk came back, but Spock though he was a goner,…
- Nice to see that the writers watched Galaxy Quest, and apparently used to clean out their Habitrails with a garden hose.
- Kirk and Spock. You only hurt the ones you love. And douchebags.
- Yeah, Kirk's easy to beat up now, because he doesn't have his late season gut to really put his weight into the punches
- Ok, that looked cool and all, but wouldn't it have just been easier to warp in behind Jupiter? Helluva lot closer too. Oh wait, Earth is just a few miles down the block. i forgot.
- Hurry up gang! They're finally destroying the set of "The Rock"!
- Shoot it? They could just Shoot It!? Why the hell didn't they do that before!?
- Ok, shooting a guy as he falls into a black hole? That's just overkill. It'd be much worse to just go get a bag of popcorn out of the replicator and taunt him with a life preserver.
- BLACK HOLES DON'T WORK LIKE THAT!
- EXPLOSIONS IN SPACE DON'T WORK LIKE THAT!
- Ok Gang! Glad that's over. Now, let's drift back to Earth for a few hundred years… oh, right, damn.
- You know, this award ceremony needs 3PO and a wookie. Wait, i think they're in the audience.
- There's a lesson here kids: If you're caught cheating, make sure a planet implodes and you'll be promoted like you would not believe.
i'm sure there were more comments, but i'll leave them to some other day. Of course the one final, nagging question i have after seeing the movie is: "Why did the helm of the Enterprise have those two price scanners stuck on it?"
i suppose there are some leaps of faith one must never question.
