Thank you! Thank you all! What a great night this is for America!
It is with great honor and pride that i accept this position which i have been tirelessly spending vast sums of money to acquire!
i’ll have you know that just prior to coming out to speak to you, i received a gracious call from my opponent conceding this election.
[Lots of cheering]
And though i spent the last five months telling you that he eats babies and regularly worships satan, i accepted his courteous offer before telling him that i was the one who slit his dog’s throat last Tuesday.
[a bit less Cheering]
Let’s face it, i slung more mud at that bozo than BP’s pumped into the well. Heck, the past few weeks? i was just making crap up. You can’t imagine the kind of glee i felt watching that maroon trying to calmly discuss why his grandmother was not smuggling Mexicans north in a hot air balloon during World War II. Honestly, there are jukeboxes that are harder to play. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about tonight! No, tonight we talk about the future!
[Ok, the cheering is back]
A future where you realize that you elected me on groundless promises that had you stayed awake for ten minutes in civics would have shown as impossible!
[And, the cheering is a bit less again]
A future where i will come to the stark realization that politics means other people, and i get to live out the repeated failings of countless others who have held this office ahead of me.
People You hated. People you wanted out so that you could get this fresh face in charge. People who wouldn’t think twice about condemning your neighborhood for a strip bar if it got them that much closer to a more powerful position or at least a decent kick back.
[POST EFX:insert clapping here]
And furthermore, a future where you realize that the slim number of my policies that have the best chance of actually passing are the ones you skipped over because they were boring. Policies like cutting funding for community programs, infrastructure, and permit oversight. So i wouldn’t park anything better than a Pinto under any trees in the area.
[a random cough]
So thank you, one and all! Your votes mean the world to me. Not as much as the money i’ll be getting from lobbyists and future speaking engagements, but it’s sweet how the puppies come back after you kick them. Oh, wait, no that comes next week.
Thank you and God Bless America!