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isn't quite ashamed enough to present

jr conlin's ink stained banana

:: Dear Graduates of the School I Will Never Give a Commencement Speech to

You, full of youth and vigor, with stars in your eyes and a cause in your hearts, are ready to change the world. i wish you the absolute best, and in many respects, you will absolutely change the world.

Just realize, that about half of you are assholes.

i’m not saying you are, since i don’t know you well enough to make that determination. Nor am i declaring any group of you are assholes, much for the same reason. Hell, every one of you in this auditorium/stadium/state could not be an asshole, nor ever be. That still means half of your peers are, because there’s a lot of you and y’all are everywhere.

i know this because i was horrified to discover that half of my generation were assholes. Same with every generation back to the time when two fish fought to get out of a pile of muck. For some generations, more than half were assholes, for others, less than half, but rest assured, the number is about half.

What’s worse is that the asshole half are fairly well organized. Because they’re organized, they’re influential. Because they’re influential, they tend to get their way. Once they get their way, they do everything they possibly can to keep it that way. Why do they do this? Because they’re assholes.

Fret not, they consider you assholes because you don’t doggedly share their beliefs without question. You ask too many questions they don’t want answers to. Even worse, you support those other groups. How the hell could you possibly do that, you asshole?

i’m telling this to you now so that later, when you realize that all the things you though would happen don’t, or that there was no way could happen do, you’ll understand. Stupid wars will be fought, and gleefully supported by assholes. Assholes will prevent us from intervening in horrible injustices. Assholes will vote in other assholes and those assholes will push for policies that clearly favor assholes.

All this will leave you wondering where the hell all these assholes came from. Truth be told, they were always here. Some are born assholes, some trained to be assholes, some even make the choice to be an asshole and work at it at every opportunity.

You are going to be surrounded by assholes. You’re going to be saddened by them, infuriated by them, and you’re going to want to get revenge against assholes.

Yeah, don’t do that last thing.

Instead, understand that some people are just assholes. There may be a good reason, and you should at least make an attempt to understand what that reason can be, but ultimately, the reason they’re an asshole is because they’re an asshole, and that’s probably not going to change.

Instead, focus on the fact that assholes survive because you’re not doing stuff against them. Have plans. Sometimes, defeating assholes means doing things that you may not like, or make you think you’re an asshole. Sometimes, you might even have to be an asshole to someone in order to not be an asshole to a larger group, or to stop them from being an asshole. Work together with others who oppose the assholes. Assholes hate that and will fight you about it. That’s ok, you should expect them to be assholes about it.

It’s also important to understand why you’re being an asshole to someone (since, after all, half of you are assholes). There’s nothing special that makes an asshole an asshole. Anyone can be an asshole, just like how anyone can not be an asshole. What makes an asshole an asshole is when they’re an asshole. When they’re being selfish, close-minded, greedy, dismissive, demanding, those are all pretty clear markings of an asshole. Heck, we’ve had at least a dozen religions that point that out. (The assholes tend to ignore those parts, though.)

i wish i could give you better advice. i wish i could tell you how to solve the fact that half of you are assholes. i can’t. Perhaps one of you can. Instead, i’ll leave you with a few rules i’ve found for myself.

Take care of others.
Listen more than talk.
Reflect on where you are and how you got there and why someone else isn’t.
Realize that most folks aren’t really comfortable where they are.
Help when you can.
Don’t look back with regret. At the time it was the best decision you could make. Instead learn from it for the next time.
If you have power, use it for others more than yourself.
Realize, even those with power, fame and glory, could still use an extra napkin or help finding the bathroom.
Leave it slightly better than you found it.
Realize you’re not always right and that even someone you might look down on has something to teach.
Everyone has a hard job, and no one is solely defined by what they get paid to do.
Nobody has all the knowledge or answers.
Be respectful and kind.
Pick up your trash and hold the door open.
A few have it better, many have it worse. Just like we can use some help, so can others.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, directions, or just to say “hello”.
Your brain regularly lies to you, and your head is full of assholes.
Other cultures aren’t better or worse, they just have different ideas, and only about half of them are assholes.

But most importantly, try not to be an asshole.

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