i feel fortunate that i am reasonably mentally healthy. There’s a lot of people who actually have depression, bi-polar disorder, ADD and other conditions and those people have my respect.
That said, i can understand a tiny fraction of what they go through. i tend to be very hard on myself. i tend to favor criticism more than complements. This is normal, of course, and chances are exceptionally good you do the same thing. i know this because a few years ago when i felt i was at a very low point i wanted to understand what the hell was wrong with me. It was a pattern i found myself falling into and since i didn’t enjoy it, i wanted to know what i could do to solve the problem.
Turns out, little, since we as a species are pretty firmly hardwired for it. i found that at least for me, understanding what was going on did help. Later on, finding books like You Are Not So Smart really helped me understand even more of this sort of self inflicted crap.
Part of this is also my industry of choice. Long ago, i consigned myself to be a tradesman in the midst of artists. There are programmers that craft things of magic and joy. These are wonderful creations that improve life in this veil of tears immeasurably. Granted, those things often need to be maintained and supported. At times, bits need to be built out of things stronger than pixie dust and gossamer, and i take a bit of joy trying to make sure that folks don’t know that some of the “magic” is now rebar.
i’ll also admit that i’m not the best at what i do. Even after working a lifetime in the industry. There are others that i work with that make me look like an amateur. These are people i can greedily learn from, and i’m damn thankful of the opportunity, but it also means that in a culture that spotlights “Rock Stars” and “Ninjas”, i’ll be the guy near the back of the auditorium clapping.
All of this can be a bit… i don’t want to say depressing, but it’s certainly draining. i’ve had numerous, very dark thoughts, but generally can dismiss them. There are days where i feel reasonably good about myself and completely understand that in very short order, my mood will be completely reversed by something. i’ve learned that this swing happens in both directions, and frankly it’s best to simply not let the pendulum swing that hard in any direction.
Take, for instance, right now. At this time, i’m feeling very low. i was responsible for a bit of infrastructure. i drafted the design, implemented code, and got it working, and felt reasonably good about myself. Projects started relying on it. Outside groups started playing with it. There was a significant challenge, i needed a bit of help, and we met the challenge with some tweaking.
The code has since been rewritten by someone far younger than me and is, in many respects, far better than what i originally built. It’s lighter weight, more responsive and probably more maintainable than what i had built. i already see ways that it could be improved and expanded.
It’s also probably going to be a failure point because of things outside of my control, which may cause the projects that were relying on it to also fail. None of the breaking points are my fault, and i’ve noted what the problems are, how to address them, and what actions are available to all. When i dismiss fault, i am being very clear. The failure is due to a behavior in a system i did not code for nor did we clearly understand at the onset of the project. If this system is removed, the fault is also removed, however this system is required for it’s own reasons. It’s a bit like saying “Well, the crop harvest failed due to the dam break.”
Still, it’s damn hard for me to shake the “This is your fault, and you suck as a human being” mindset. The program was written in a language and construct i wasn’t fully familiar with. The younger engineer is, so that’s why the code is better after his attention. The failing system is one that i am also unfamiliar with, and the subsystem that is an issue came as a surprise to a good many folk. i view all of these as being “excuses”. My psyche demands that excuses don’t matter, only results. (Yes, i was brought up in a strict, military household, why do you ask?)
People talk about failure as a benefit. It’s how one learns. It’s inevitable, and constant, and what makes success so remarkable is that it’s uncommon enough to be remarkable. This does not make failure any less pleasant. Culturally, and personally, it’s a stigma. Feeling that way is irrational, but very common.
At this point, i’ll also think about the various other projects that i feel the need to accomplish, and the sorry state that they’re in, the 60+ articles moldering in my unread queue and a thousand other reasons i have to beat myself up. i should be accomplishing more. i’m not. i should be more creative. i’m not. “Nobody else knows how big a screw up you are” as Mr. Savage points out, but i am acutely aware of it.
Like i said at the top, there are folks out there with serious medical issues who are constantly struggling with far bigger demons than me. i admire every day that they succeed in beating those demons and they have every right to scoff at me and my personal pity party. If you’re one of those, i welcome your well earned derision.
Possibly, you may feel the same way i do. Here’s to letting you know you’re not alone.
And thanks for reading my bit of personal therapy.