Oops! Something went sideways.

Looks like the styling got goofed up. Sorry about that, unless it's what you wanted. If this isn't what you were looking for, try force refreshing your page. You can do that by pressing Shift + F5, or holding Shift and clicking on the "reload" icon. (It's the weird circle arrow thing "⟳" just above this page, usually next to where it says https://blog.unitedheroes.net...)

isn't quite ashamed enough to present

jr conlin's ink stained banana

:: Introducing Quantcoin: The Currency You Already Have

QuantCoinSo, Crypto-currencies are quite the thing lately. Seems like there’s a new one popping up every few minutes with some new angle. Unfortunately each of these new coins suffer from a critical flaw which results in loss due to threat or fraud.

That’s why i’m happy to introduce QuantCoin©, the completely unstealable digital currency.

How can i get a QuantCoin©?

Easy, you already have one.

QuantCoin© uses a barely understood principal1 of quantum mechanics as it’s principal. Unlike cryptocurrencies, it absolutely can NOT be stolen or misused. That’s because there’s only one QuantCoin©. See, QuantCoin©s exist in superposition, meaning that they exist in multiple points at the same time. That means the QuantCoin© that you hold is exactly the same as my QuantCoin©. If you were to somehow steal my QuantCoin©, you’d simply have the same coin you already own.

Amazing, huh?

What is the value of a QuantCoin©?

The way that QuantCoin© easily takes advantage of simple Quantum physics, it also uses the amazing advances in economics utilized by high speed traders. That’s right, QuantCoin©’s value is based on futures trading.

How does this work? Let’s look at an example. Let’s say that you wanted to use your QuantCoin© to purchase a pack of gum. That establishes the value of your QuantCoin©. Bob plans on purchasing a new car. That means that Bob’s QuantCoin© works out to be worth 64,000 times your QuantCoin©, meaning that in the future, your QuantCoin© will be worth 64,000 times it’s value. This means that it becomes interesting to Larry, who’s looking to buy a nice little home in Dubai, which raises the value of QuantCoin©s again. This means that the future price averaged for QuantCoin©s is now well over 1,000,000 when the QuantCoin©s are eventually exchanged using amazing “Minority Report” style interfaces that will require waving just about every body part, for the added security.

QuantCoin© is Green!

Quantcoin© doesn’t need all that power consumption or complex math, because it works all natural, organic processes, and is made, right here in the good ol’ . In fact, it works on the same principals that make meadows and pastures rich and vibrant ecosystems.

Isn’t that amazing?!

And you can be part of it too, just sign up for my 3 day seminar and book series in the lobby and you too can be part of this amazing financial windfall!

QuantCoin©: Because Analytic Financial CryptoCybercloudbuzz to you, today!

1 “barely understood” means “by me”. Obviously real physicists get this sort of thing, but hey, this is about marketing and folks buy those magnetic bracelets, so conning convincing them to accept this currency is a simple matter.

:: It’s a Large World After All…

So, i ran into a guy at the supermarket who’s cousin was your brother’s barber back in Piscataway. Small world, huh?

No. No, it’s not.

In fact, it’s a rather large world filled with 7 billion people, most of which are clustered in fairly distinct areas yet surprisingly connected thanks to commerce and modern communications nets. In fact, it’s been proven that, thanks to math, damn near everyone is interconnected with everyone else with a surprisingly small number of steps. (No matter who you are, i’m probably associated to you by 6 steps. Well, unless your Kevin Bacon. i think he’s, like, 10 steps out because of constant effort on his part.)

The problem is that if you were to interact with someone to whom your network had zero interactions with, you’d have absolutely no way of knowing. Well, i’m wrong, you could interview the individual for hours comparing the lives of these individuals against the associations you’ve cataloged for years to ensure that there was no match, but that might take a bit longer than the elevator ride. Granted, this might be made easier in the future by simply cross indexing the collection of restraining orders.

Honestly, it’d be far more interesting to discover the tiny percentage of individuals on the planet to whom you truly have zero points of interaction with. i have no idea what you’d talk about, or what language you’d use to do so, but at least you could rest assured that you’ve destroyed that level of disconnect forever ensuring that future generations will again pass each other with awkward silences and uncomfortable glances.

And isn’t that really what civilization is all about?

:: New Neighbor

He cleared his throat as the door opened and once, yet again read from script he held. “Greetings, new neighbor.” he stated, in a dull monotone that spoke more to how many times he had repeated that statement rather than any earnest joy at the encounter. “i am Dr. Horatio J. Skullcrusher, and it is both my pleasure and federally required mandate that i introduce myself to you and all other households in a 1 mile radius of my new and slash or prospective lair.”

Beatrice Thornapple wasn’t quite sure what to make of this announcement, but yelled at her chihuahua to pipe down anyway. She raised a well fed eyebrow and slowly started to ask, “Aren’t… you… a…”

“Why yes”, Dr. Skullcrusher continued as the tiniest hint of sarcasm easily escaped Beatrice’s attention, “i am a supervillain, and i wish to add that there are many current and recovering supervillans living in relative peace in neighborhoods much like this one. i will also add that under section 202, Paragraph 13, Subsection 21, willful acts of contempt or harassment toward a non-hostile or non-threatening individual classed as “supervillain” by the authorities, unless otherwise required by the state or community, are punishable by a $200 per incident fine.” Dr. Skullcrusher’s welding goggles clattered a bit as he rolled his eyes. His deft hands made turning the page easier than the heavy, black rubber gloves would belie.

Beatrice eyed Dr. Skullcrusher with a cautious eye as she skimmed the city approved paperwork shoved toward her. The diagrams were indecipherable and filled with minute print, but she could see her house was clearly in the chartreuse zone between the lavender quadrant and a spit of houses marked in turquoise. Honestly, the entire map of the neighborhood looked like it was colored in by a five year old tripping on LSD.
“What does this color mean?” she asked pointing toward the approximate area of her home.

Skullcrusher flipped the clipboard around to inspect the area. He flipped a few pages up, then cheerily said. “Ah, well, this zone will absolutely not have to worry about any lingering effects from radiation damage.” He smiled broadly.

“And this here lavender area?”

“Well, there will be absolutely no damage from cyborg armies in that area. i assure you, each zone is well protected against a threat.” He continued to smile broadly, knowing that Beatrice probably wouldn’t ask about the many and various threats that her house was absolutely not safe from. Say, cyborg armies, for instance.

“i suppose…” Beatrice began before being cut off.

“Now, if you’d be so kind, i do need you to sign here so that i can show the review board that we’ve met and you’re fine with the zoning change.”

“i’m not so…”

“And that’s why i’m offering a free DNA test. Would you like to see a stronger, healthier you in less than three months with absolutely no effort on your part? All i need is a sample of your DNA, just a bit of spit or a tiny prick of blood will do!” He positively beamed with delight. Or evil. It was hard for Beatrice to tell.

“Really? A healthier me?” She asked. She had been meaning to go to the gym for a while now.

“Oh, Definitely! Imagine watching the news and seeing yourself exceeding at martial arts and shooting lasers!”

“What will it cost me?” Beatrice cleverly thought to ask, having seen one too many financial episodes of Oprah.

“Not even a penny. Just a signature and a bit of DNA.”

“Well, i can’t see what harm that would do.” She signed the forms unaware of the sampling mechanism in the pen.

“Excellent. i’m glad we had this chance to meet.” Skullcrusher positively beamed with delight as he slipped the pen into a test tube and tightened the lid. “i’ll need to finish off this neighborhood soon. Enjoy the rest of your days.” He bowed and headed off whistling a merry tune.

:: Easy Enough for a Senator to Use

i was wrong. i’ll admit it. In the past, in order to illustrate the need to make something simpler or more “friendly”, i would occasionally use the “Is it easy enough for my Mom to use?” argument. It’s a familiar trope that many folks with family members who struggle to keep up with technology can readily identify with. My Mom is a very talented negotiator and manager, but is not a fan of Apple’s constant need to “improve” things without giving her any idea what those “improvements” are.

And that’s why i’m sorry for using the Mom trope. See, as occasionally frustrated with technology as my Mom is, she uses it. She is, in spite of her protests, actually capable of leaning and understanding technology sufficiently to use it as an effective appliance. She can exchange email with her grandkids, navigate her HMO and other tasks. More importantly, if she makes a mistake, she understands that she can either fix it or ask for help from someone who has more knowledge.

No, the “Is it easy enough for Mom?” is no longer a good metaphor. i’m going to go with a far better one. “Could my Senator understand this?”

You see, my Mom understands that computers are part of the modern technical communications system and is taking an active role in understanding them. She takes the time to experiment, ask questions and learn. This is something that our elected representatives don’t seem to have any desire in doing. i’m not talking about writing code, (although i laughed pretty hard at the “Hour of Code” initiative. Hack days are pretty intense, and at least they have 24 hours. One hour and i could probably teach you if statements and a few kinds of loops. How’s about you learn modern democratic processes in an hour?)

No, we need to revamp our terms to focus on the lowest, least willing participants in the technological architecture, the folks making rules about how tech should work and be used. The folks that assume their phones are magic and can do things like “block porn” or “only allow permissible use of content”.

If we can make something easy enough for Congress to understand, use and value, then we’ve got something.

And at that point, Mom will probably complain about it being dumbed down.

:: RE: Your Social Media Job Offer


Thank you for your kind offer to work for ${SOCIAL_MEDIA_SITE}. i’m thrilled at the opportunity to do work for a company with such high profits and large user base (generally specified in that order). i’m sure that the upcoming / recently closed IPO will boost profitability even higher, and the growth prospects continue to look positive.

But, wanna know the best part? i’ll work for you for FREE!

Yes, that’s right, FREE! No charge! Zip! Nada! No paperwork, nothing but pure profitability! All you have to do is toss me the keys (literal SSH keys) to the machines and i’ll get started right away!

Within minutes, i’ll have a full copy of your source code on my backup site PayMeToSeeTheseJokersCode.com, where i’ll carefully inspect things and find key places to improve access and accessibility. Soon, it’ll be like you’ve got hundreds of me all over your code. You’ll be famous! Heck, you might even benefit from some of these changes!

What’s more, everyone knows how sensitive email can be. That’s why i’ll make sure that i subscribe to every single mail list and archive system and keep a careful catalog of fast, searchable information. If you like, i’ll even offer you a half price subscription to the service. What a Deal!

Oh, sure, i may recover a small amount of my expenses by placing your proprietary code and systems up for auction, but then you’re well aware how profitable sharing what some Luddites insist on continuing to refer to as “private information” can be. This is the modern, interconnected age, and information wants to be free. No, strike that. Information wants to be sold for the highest possible dollar. After that, who cares, amirite?

Anyway, looking forward to those keys so i can start right away!



Blogs of note
personal Christopher Conlin USMC memoirs of hydrogen guy rhapsodic.org Henriette's Herbal Blog
geek ultramookie

Powered by WordPress
Hosted on Dreamhost.